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Abstract Humanitarian organisations and researchers have paid increasing attention in recent years to the psychological wellbeing of aid workers. This attention, however, has tended to focus more on the practicalities of stress management and resilience than on the deeper levels of their relational lives. This qualitative research study explored the conscious and unconscious impact of emergency aid work on the personal relationships of those who deliver it. Six experienced staff members of an international non-governmental organisation (INGO) were invited to reflect freely on their relationships in unstructured interviews. Using psychoanalytic theory, the data were analysed for both surface and hidden content. Every participant identified the significant external split that aid work created between home life and the field and described conscious strategies to manage this challenge. Their narratives, however, also indicated deeper inner dilemmas along with more unconscious strategies for protecting themselves against the anxiety generated by those dilemmas. Although deployed in response to the relational demands of the work, these strategies also appeared to form part of patterns of relating developed prior to entry into the sector. The study concluded that structured spaces where humanitarians can reflect on these issues would be beneficial both to personal resilience and to organisational effectiveness.